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All posts for the month June, 2017

So first, some back story. Years ago, I was in a bad marriage. It ended, and I was born anew to view the world with fresh eyes. I met new lovers and I made new friends.

One of those friends became one of my deepest friendships I’ve had in my life. Oddly enough, it was with a man. I called him my heterolifemate. That is defined (to me) as a platonic relationship with the attachment and lifetime commitment of a marriage. But no kissing or sex lol. We argued, we spent time together, we ate together. He had a key to my house and would come over to do laundry. Having him in my life was never a threat when I entered into the relationship that became my current (as perfect as can be) marriage.

Then life happened. We left Richmond. We got married. And he’d come up to this state…and visit other people. He never once came to see us. We made sure to fit visits in with him when we would visit Richmond.

But like I said, life happens. Now he’s married. He’s having a baby. He didn’t tell me he was engaged. He didn’t tell me she was pregnant. I had to find all of it out on Instagram.

I’m just…one of the things I have the hardest time dealing with is commitment issues. I once dated someone who made me all of the promises in the world, including that I was an amazing person, and I deserved to be loved, and I didn’t deserve to be in that terrible marriage. I believed him. And then one day he decided I wasn’t worth all of that anymore and he moved out. Just like that. I never really knew why (besides the fact that he’s really screwed up in the head).

So now here’s this friendship. Here’s this person in my life who once again, in action, made me all of the promises in the world. You’re the best friend ever! I will totally be in your life always. Except one day he decided I wasn’t worth that anymore.

I understand that I have serious attachment issues. I try so damned hard to not get overly attached to acquaintances for this exact reason. When I love someone, be it sexual or friendship, I love them truly, to the core. I can’t help that.

This really hurts a lot. I’m not ready to let go and he let go years ago. It truly hit me tonight that he’s walked away. And once again, I’ll never know why.

Two months ago, I lost my mother. The feelings I’ve been dealing with since then are…confusing. Mother and I didn’t have a good relationship and it’s been difficult pairing that with the feelings of grief I’m having now.

Anyway, here, I wrote this.

 

The Box