A year ago was a rough time for me. I was still in the middle of trying to figure out what the fuck was wrong with my wrists (We never figured it out.). I got sick for the first of three times. I got sick of the drama of Facebook and moved myself mostly to Twitter. I moved from part-time to full-time at work and realized being gone 11 hours a day was not as easy as I’d expected it to be. I finally took control of the financial mess I’d gotten into in my year of unemployment & got debt counselling, then promptly discovered that even with reduced payments I still don’t make enough every month.
But the biggest thing we’re coming up on the anniversary of is that I walked away from one of my best friends.
Let me tell you. That is neither easy nor pleasant. It’s still on my mind a year later. So I decided this morning to write about it in an attempt to let go.
I miss you. Since 2007 or 2008 I’d been searching for my blonde. I found you in fall of 2013. It was like we’d always been friends. We had the same cell phone. We liked much of the same music. We had all the same friends. We both love animals, especially cats. And one of the biggest connections we made, one of the ones that meant the most to me, was that you understood crazy. You understood MY crazy.
And then one day you didn’t understand my crazy anymore. It had been happening for a few months and I’d been denying it. You’d started actively making me feel bad for things that weren’t my fault. Things that you had no right to take out on me. Worse of all, things that were out of my control.
It started small. We were talking about roadkill. Of all things, roadkill. I mentioned that dead cats on the road make me cry. You had to one-up me. “I cry at ALL dead animals.” Something in the way you put it. My mourning was insufficient.
Then the “I don’t have time for that.” comments. Your life isn’t that much busier than mine. Yes you have bullshit you’re dealing with. Yes you were dealt a bum hand. That doesn’t give you carte blanche to just be a dick arbitrarily. I had music I thought you’d enjoy. Told you about them. “I’ve heard of them, Ellen loves them.” Cool. Have you listened? “No. I don’t have time for that!” Then a saga about everything in your life keeping you from anything positive whatsoever.
Then you crossed the line. It was after a year of me being there for you ANY time you needed me, including times when I was completely losing my own shit. If you came to me before I went to you, I’d completely ignore whatever issue I had going on to deal with yours and try to help. I always let you vent. I offered suggestions but knew you’d not accept any of them. I got to you first one day.
You blew up at me because I was losing it.
You blew up at me because my brain was broken that day and I needed you.
You blew up at me because I’d made that particular day’s complaint before (It was about money. To this day I remember the exact conversation.).
You blew up at me because your money problems are bigger than mine.
You blew up at me because your crazy is worse than mine.
You blew up at me because your relationship issues are more difficult than mine.
You and I both know that none of those reasons are the ACTUAL reasons you blew up at me. But these were the reasons you gave me, both directly, and indirectly. You told me how everyone was always going to you with their problems and it was too much. You told me how every time I’d gone to you, you’d offered me solutions. Then you gave the best line of all. “I can’t be the one to solve everyone’s problems.”
You and I both know that not only did I not expect solutions from you, but that 99% of the time I was just venting. Just like you did all of the time.
Really it just seemed to me like you were annoyed with me and needed a break. You needed some time off. It hurt to realize, but I understood. I’m a lot to deal with sometimes. I get it.
But then a few days later you came back and accused me of avoiding you. Then you also accused me to lying to you about avoiding you. So then I was not only hurt, I was also incredibly confused. You were the one to push ME away. Had you already forgotten? That was the day I told you all I could do was tell you the truth, and it was up to you to believe it or not.
You decided not to believe me. After two years of being best friends, you chose to not trust me. After two years of being best friends, you chose not to believe me.
So after two years of being best friends, I chose to make our break permanent. It was incredibly difficult and incredibly painful to do, but you gave me no choice. I’m not going to make the effort to stay in a relationship with someone who does nothing but push me away. In the end, I did what you told and showed me you wanted me to do.
One year later. I miss the good parts. But I’m still so very hurt by the bad.
We’ll see how I feel after two years.